Recovery is a slow process. Yet, I cannot seem to mark the points at which I started to get better. I cannot say that I am completely well. I am not. I still need to eat at scheduled times, need to exercise every day and portion my food. I am still terrified of eating without my mom, for the fear of eating too much and having no one to monitor my portions. There is a part of me yearning for someone to command me to eat, yet there is a part of me that is begging me not to. But I need to beat the devil down. I need to set goals. I need to look at the bigger picture and see what I want in life. Because I know that life is not just about what you look like. If you have a beautiful body, what is the use if no friends are there to appreciate it? What is the use of starving if your family loses sleep over you? I consider these questions every day and I have set my goals. 

I want to get better because:
1. I don't want my family to worry anymore
2. I want to be fit, not skin and bones. Therefore, in order to grow muscles, I MUST eat.
3. I want to LIVE! I want to be HAPPY! I must listen to my own instincts and that of those who truly love me, not to a devil that does not exist. I want to enjoy food again, be normal again, be FREE again! 

Steph says:
Set goals for yourself. Dig deeper and see the real reason why you are still suffering and tell yourself that anorexia is NOT your friend! Though it may tell you what you want, it is just pulling you deeper and deeper into a spell. It may feel warm and safe at first, but that's because you haven't seen the reality of your destination. Think about your friends and family and how much they worry about you. Think about how you want to put them out of their misery. Think what you want in life! What is your dream job? What kind of person do you want to marry? Dream big

It all started with a comment. I'd just hit my growth spurt and I had gained a noticeable amount of weight and height, and had the feeling of being hungry all the time. I fed myself well, ate what I wanted to, when I wanted to. I went to visit my friend's house and the door was opened by her mother. This lady happened to be an insensitive person, and tended to comment on others' body shapes. "Ah! You've grown fatter!" she squeezed my cheeks and beamed. Looking back I was aware that she did not mean it in a negative way and it was just a way of saying, "You've become more beautiful" or "You've grown!" But to a teenager just starting to change in both body and mind, I was especially sensitive to these words. That night I looked in the mirror and suddenly saw how my stomach was beginning to bulge in places I had never seen before, how my face was bloated, how my legs were thick with flubber. 

That day was the first time I received a comment on my body shape. My mother was on a diet, so I knew that the society craved thinness and despised fatness. But I had never applied that on myself. I always saw dieting as a passing fad, something that happened to someone else, suffered by someone else. I saw stories of anorexics on TV and in magazines, and never even thought about the appeal of being that thin. But that comment stayed with me long after my bedtime that night, and that was the first time I thought that maybe I should go on a health diet. 

Steph says:
Many people don't even understand what it is that they have said wrong. The society's perception of beauty is contorted, and I became one of the victims of this vicious spell. Don't comment on other's body shapes. Tell them how much more beautiful they are, how much smoother their skin looks, how much better they are doing at school or in their jobs. Life is not all about being thin.